logic, reason, and love

People have told me that love is indescribable-- there is no logic or reason to the way you feel. There is just this inexplicable attraction to someone... it makes it easy to forgive little flaws and also leads you to dream of a happy future together. It makes you do things simply because you want to make that one special person happier than they are; it makes you feel things that no one else ignites. It's something beyond infatuation and it also makes you hurt in ways you couldn't imagine.

I don't know if I could ever feel that way. I don't see what makes love so great or so beyond other feelings.. I love my friends and I love my family. The feelings are complex and I suppose I can't really describe them, but I don't see the sparkle that people "in love" say that they feel.

I guess if I love somebody, it means losing them would make me feel like I'm missing a part of me.
That seems like a pretty good definition to me.

Though, in the world of romantic love, it seems like I have to commit all my feelings with one person. I don't think I could ever invest my feelings so much that I stop giving in to reason. I don't trust things that I can't make sense of. My boyfriend says he loves me.. and sometimes I say "I love you" back because it feels like the right thing to say, but I don't feel that same overpowering love as people describe it.

He asked if I will always keep my walls up and I really think that I will. I don't see what's wrong with that; I'm just protecting myself and it doesn't make me any less happy. Of course I want to "settle" with somebody and have a life together with them-- that will make me happy. But I don't see falling in love as something I need to make me happy. I don't see what's wrong with what we have now or how I am now. I am not willing to give up the walls that I've put the effort into building.

What's wrong with that?
If neither he nor I change how we feel about love, can either of us be truly happy together? He will always want me to feel how he feels, and I will never want to give up my secrets. It seems that the only way we could make it together is if we ignore that this rift exists.. but I know it will always me in the back of his mind as it will be in mine.

...what's wrong with my version of love?

saying i love you too early?

Most people who know me can I make it clear that I absolutely abhor clingy guys, so of course an early "I love you" is sure to turn me straight towards the door.

But actually, I think there's a difference between someone who says "I love you" because they're absolutely caught up in it and someone who might say "I think I love you." The latter at least shows that there's a little fear.. that he's thinking about it because it's actually hard to believe. In fact, I think that alternative is rather romantic and this is coming from an extremely non-romantic girl.

Of course, it's also another matter altogether if he expects you to say it back right away.
Then I am still out the door. 

scabs to scars

I took another week off from school because of sickness. This time it was my first cold sores aka oral herpes outbreak, and the first outbreak is supposed to be the worst. My brother said it looks like my mouth takes up half my face because of all the scabs and blisters-- really gross.

The thing is, I just can't keep myself from picking at my scabs. I can't leave them alone.. I feel like I NEED to pick them off, and I have this absurd notion that letting the wound bleed itself out will let it heal faster. Of course I know in reality that scabs mean they're already healing but my brain is extremely stubborn in this one specific case.

It's a serious compulsion. If I know the scab is there, I have to pick it off.

My mom is always saying that it should be easy to ignore them if I care what I look like. "Just think about all the scars you'll get if you pick at them!" But I kind of like scars. There are stories behind them.. albeit lame stories most of the time but stories nonetheless. Smooth, flawless skin is truly beautiful but even wrinkles mean you have laughed, cried, and expressed your emotions before.

I suppose it's a humbling feeling to have my scars. I don't mind having them and I guess I never notice if others see them and wince. I don't feel like I have less friends because of them or that I am less loved because of them. When I meet new people, they tell me my demeanor and expression leave an impression-- not my skin.

I guess I should stop trying to read too much into why I pick my scabs. In the end, it's really just a bad habit I should fix before I ruin my face.

still here.

I am totally hating on my boyfriend right now for playing Call Me Maybe all the time because now IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD FOREVER. MAKE IT STOP, oh my god..

Of course I don't actually hate him.. He really does mean a lot to me, and this is the first time I'm going into a relationship thinking that it might actually work. Like, really work. It's kind of crazy.. but he actually listens to me :T It sound like such a simple thing but it makes all the difference. Because with him, I know I can actually talk things out and work it out. He doesn't try to make things perfect or to put me down; he just takes it as it is and I really appreciate that.

But anyway, enough about the boyfriend.
I'm so nervous about my actuary exam tomorrow x_x I have this ominous feeling that I'm going to fail again, but I REALLY REALLY want to pass. I think I would do some serious splurging if I passed, even though I'll have to go back into serious study mode again shortly afterwards. I'm feeling kind of lucky though; this week was supposed to be hell week with midterms and assignments all due Tuesday and Thursday. But every thing got pushed back a little--well actually, not everything which is even better because now things are spread out :O and I have time to do them!

I don't really want to get my hopes up though. I know I'm still not studying as much as I should or as seriously as I should, but I guess I'm doing better than before. I was just a complete mess before :/ just didn't know what I wanted and didn't really care, I guess. At least now I kinda have a little direction, and it definitely feels better than the nothing that was there before. I know one day I'll want to do something I really enjoy, like teaching or something, but for now I'm actually enjoying just doing what I can to get somewhere I think I'd like to be.

I think I'm okay with that right now.

web design

I had to create a web site for my Information Technology (IT) class, so I decided to make it kind of simple: http://bit.ly/GDhPyL

Though there are still some parts of it that don't work. So whoever you are out there, if you check it out, please please please let me know what I can do to make it better--whether it's a suggestion, idea, complaint, image to share, etc! Thanks :) and even better, share with other people you know if you'd like!